Tonight I received a call from a colleague who called me to express his melancholy over his young protege moving on, off to graduate school at his alma mater far away. My friend was feeling a loss a father would feel when he sees his son off to a new adventure. The protege has only excitement burning and an eager desire to move on, and has no understanding of the multitude of emotions his mentor feels about his leaving.A 58 year old bachelor with no children by choice, my colleague is left wondering if the decisions he made in his life were really the most desirable. He is a stoic, a man of classical training, not one to give way to emotions, awash in sadness, unable to process the immensity of his sorrow. He feels silly, I tell him it is normal, he loves the young man like a son.
The intensity of our lives continues as we age and move into an elder role. We see those stages of our lives as stepping stones to our growth, and as we watch the others behind us move into their chosen paths, we cannot help but feel a loss, a sadness or a yearning to break free fom the constrictions imposed by our perceived limitations.As we end our conversation his voice cracking and revealing a sense of reflection and sorrow, indicates something profoundly telling of my friends state of mind.
He tells me he would give up a year of his life to be able to have supper one more time with his parents, long dead and cold in their graves. I concur.When you are an elder you realize with amazing clarity the brief moment we call our lives. You see the past with great clarity and the moments you were not aware that time was passing by and you took those your loved for granted, thinking there would always be another day to spend together. And you watch the younger with some sadness, knowing they too might feel the same way, when you too are long dead. The sadness a reminder of a time shared, dreams realized and the moment of parting.
My friend has softened and ripened over the past year. No longer a crusty professor who finds his students children, he has seen the joys and sorrows of being a parent in his association with his protege. He has grown in love, and become more in touch with his feelings and his mission in life. Now watching his young friend leave, he remembers that day many years before, he was the young man on his way to graduate school alone.
“How did you do it?” He asked me near the end of the conversation. “How were you able to be a parent and let them go? ” his voice wavering in emotion.There is a new understanding now between us, a spiritual growing process he has made and transcended from his staunch overidentification with his Catholic roots. He is more accepting of the idea now that things happen for a reason….and he says: “you know this is a very Buddhist idea, isn't it?”
I smile and agree.
And suddenly my friend and I aren't so very different anymore.
We have shared love.
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